Going For Broke(nness)

These 2 weeks of sermon from Ps Khong really touched my heart. I have been crying alot again, since don't know when and I want to continue to be tender before the Lord always. The teaching on Ps 45 and 51 brings me deeper into the knowledge of His grace and mercy. Reflecting on what was shared by Ps Khong, I am again thankful for the Aug 07 incident when I was struck with ITP when my platelets was so critically low. The fact that I can still type this email is because of God's grace and mercy. I am convinced further and convicted of my position in Christ and His love for me. [+]

Firstly, I am His bride. The amazing thing is the ring that was given to me (my Israel trip expenses was very much blessed by some kind pp in the tribe) during the Israel trip last year. This ring has my name in Hebrew. It is symbolic of the reality that God knows me by name and the ring represents an unchanging love from God, the relationship continuing in that circular motion, never coming to an end. These sweets thoughts came to be during one of the night worship sessions in Israel when I struggled if I should buy that ring for it costs US$50. I am truly His beloved. I don't deserve all these, the complete healing from my non-stop bleeding for a week or the trip to Israel or even the ring. These are all demonstrations of God's grace, His love overwhelms me. He just loves me despite all my sinful nature and self-centredness.

That is grace, for what I don't deserve yet freely given unto me - the most amazing thing which we often mention is His death on the cross. So heart-wrenching, so difficult, so broken to have to be separated from God the Father, yet He obeyed and did what I truly don't deserve. MY DEAR GOD IS REALLY GOOD TO ME! And to all of you too of course, my beloved family.

God has been teaching me about mercy too and He revealed this to me when Ps Khong taught from Philippians. On my own, I know how prideful, how stubborn and how sinful I can be. Yet, I experienced His mercy. I could have been struck to death for my sins but He mercifully saved me and gave me life, not just the physical one but every day allowing me to taste of His goodness, every day helping me to change my heart so that just as He is crazily in love with me, I can be deeply in love with God too. And the fact I can love Him is bcos He first taught me how to love. For those of you who know, I was a very revengeful person in the past. Mercy, mercy, it's been mercy all the way - I love this song. Many times I was not faithful but every time He will re-instate me just like the way He did to Peter. I don't deserve this! I was a wretch but now a princess in God, His beloved. Amazing Grace and Abundant Mercy indeed!

To be honest, I still struggle with things in life but somehow things are also seemingly lighter to me now because I know WHO I AM IN THE LORD. I can rest securely in His love. When you know WHO GOD IS, you can rest simply in His presence and power.

I am also learning not to be proud of God sharing His heart with me. Don't be mistaken, it is not that I am highly spiritual or I deserve it. But having felt God's heart a little more recently, I find myself crying more often in my prayer. There are not much words especially when praying for the youth-at-risk or for my girls or for the youth generation. I have been praying for FCBC too, my beloved church, that as God bless us with a big place to worship, He will be there too or it is really pointless, meaningless and purposeless. As I talk to God everyday I am learning to practise His presence wherever I am. For me, it simply means to be more God-conscious so that in all the meetings I have with students or volunteers or at cell, I am dependent on Him and being used by Him to speak forth the right words.

Many of you might still be wondering what it means to live a life of brokenness before God. I hope that my sharing inspires you to re-examine your life and spur you on towards this life of brokenness. Do not be fearful to go for broke and give Him your all. You will find that in return, the joy of experiencing God's salvation at work in your life, far outweighs everything that you have denied yourself to be broken before Him. I have experienced that. Have you?


Angela Tan